TO INFINITY AND BEYOND: Buzz Lightyear, the star of the motion pictures Toy Story and Toy Story II, was shot dead by Capitol Police today in Washington as he tried to enter the Capitol Building with a laser gun. A spokesman for the Capitol Police said that there was a scuffle between the actor and some uniformed officers near the front entrance to the Capitol, during which Lightyear attempted to use the laser on the officers while shouting the “to infinity and beyond” slogan made famous in the two Toy Story movies. The officers then returned fire, killing the actor. No reason has been given for why Lightyear attempted to enter the Capitol with a weapon, but sources close to Pixar Studios say that Lightyear was under a tremendous amount of pressure lately and had been receiving threatening calls from a stalker. “It must have been some kind of accident," Mr. Potatohead, a close friend and costar said today. “He absolutely was not the kind of guy to try to kill himself.” Funeral arrangements for the actor have not been made public at this time.

KATAMO HONGO @ 116: The world's oldest living person, Katamo Hongo, isnt living anymore. As I mentioned a month ago when the world's old living man passed away, as Ms. Hongo was 116 years old this news doesnt really come as a shock to anyone, except, of course, Ms. Hongo, who was probably trying to reach 117.

THE YANKEES...DONT WIN: New York city police arrested Saul Horowitz and his wife, Ida, for trespassing today after the elderly couple refused to leave Yankee Stadium until they saw Game Seven of the World Series. Mr. Horowitz, a retired button salesman from Massapequa, Long Island, refused to leave even after he was told of the Yankees’ loss to the Florida Marlins in Game Six of the fall classic. “Loss, schmoss,” Mr. Horowitz told police after his arrest. “I got tickets, dammit.”

EARTH CUTS THE CHEESE: Reuters reports that methane bubbles from the sea floor could theoretically sink ships. It is not yet known if the planet is naturally flatulent or whether this is an unexpected case of gas. In other news, Taco Bell executives denied today that the franchise giant had been dumping tons of overcooked refried beans into the Pacific Ocean as a costcutting measure. The executives called the story "vicious and untrue."

SHIT IN OR ON FRANCE: In any case, I have added Merde in France to the Passing Parade's blogroll. It is an excellent blog so go and read it...skip the French parts. That's what I do.

AND THE RED SOX NATION would be...Liechtenstein, right?
Yes, I am a Yankee fan (of long standing; I grew up four blocks from the Stadium) and in these circumstance I am doing what Yankee fans do best in these circumstances: I am gloating like crazy. My apologies to one and all, especially Cubs fans; I really wanted to see a Yanks-Cubs series.

GRAVE NEWS: A couple of weeks ago the Sunday New York Times ran a front page piece on the problems of burying Americans now that we’ve all grown so obese. As we grow fatter and fatter it is becoming harder and harder to bury us after all of that fat finally kills us off. The standard size coffins of a generation ago, as well as the standard size cemetery plots that went with them, are now too small for many people, and many operators of crematoria find that they can longer reduce several hundred pounds of human flesh to a pile of ash in an economic manner any more; cremations now take too long, use too much fuel, and if you weigh more than five hundred pounds, are simply not possible. How does your funeral director, itself a euphemism for undertaker, itself a euphemism for grave digger, in these politically correct times tell the bereaved that Grandma’s put on a few pounds in her last years and will not fit in a “normal” casket without having to say that Grandma was fat as a horse’s ass?

Simple. Just say that the deceased “does not look comfortable” in the standard size coffin. This lets everyone off the hook. Of course, the reality is that Grandma is not resting comfortable in the standard coffin; Grandma is dead. You could take a crowbar and pound away on Grandma’s shins for an hour and a half and she won’t say a word about how uncomfortable you’re making her. That’s because Grandma, as previously noted, is as dead as the metaphorical doornail. The perfect solution to this new problem afflicting the American overweight body politic? Equally simple: the industrial sized wood chipper. It’s quick and convenient and you can reduce Grandma down to a couple of Hefty bags worth of meat and bone chips. And if she didn’t leave you anything in the will, well, you can always feed her to the dog.

FIRE NEWS: The recent news that fire retardant has been found in women’s breast milk has already spurred new advances in firefighting technology. The Chicago Fire Department today announced that it using Federal funds for first responders to purchase the new La Leche League high pressure breast pump, enhancing firefighters’ ability to put out fires in high rise crawl spaces and allowing then to isolate one high rise fire from others. The city of Chicago also announced that it would be hiring at least 3,000 nursing mothers in order to operate the pump at its peak efficiency.

In a related development, the Los Angeles Fire Department, in association with Playboy Enterprises and Hustler Inc., announced a test program for a silicone fire extinguisher designed to put out electrical fires. Victoria’s Secret will manufacture the device. According to LAFD Assistant Chief Bill O’Hara, “…this device and some of those girls at Playboy could stop a skyscraper fire in its tracks and we want to utilize that capability.”

I did a Technorati search and found that Realmagga has linked to the Parade. So, I have linked to him and there he is on the blogroll, along with the pastrami and the side order of cole slaw. Go you and see how things are going down in the Caribberan or Carribean, I can never remember which is the correct spelling. Also kudos to Randy over at Beautiful Horizons--I'd never heard of Technorati before I saw him mention it at his site. Apropos nothing at all, the ceiling is falling down here.

ALCS: It's the New York Yankees versus the Boston Red Sox for the American League pennant. The Red Sox will lose, of course; for the Red Sox to defeat the Yankees in a championship game would be a violation of the natural order of the universe.

BUTTERFLIES ARE ONLY SLIGHTLY FREE: It's a shame that Howard Stern cannot convince some porn starlet to call herself Vanessa Cardui. This is the scientific name of the painted lady butterfly and it's a really good name for a porn star, combining as it does sex, puns, and lepidoptera.

CULINARY THOUGHTS: I usually don’t do culinary stuff here; as a rule I can’t recognize restaurants unless they have golden arches outside; but a couple came into the library a few minutes ago arguing about the whole white/red wine thing and what goes with what. I pointed them to the proper section and left them to their own devices, but I could not help but think of the wise words of the late great Cajun chef, Justin Wilson, who once said that if the chicken could tell what color wine you were having with your dinner then you didn’t cook the chicken enough. Makes sense to me.

"When you come to the fork in the road, take it" --Yogi Berra.

Words to live by.

LET MY PEOPLE GO: A herd of 50,000 Australian sheep infected with the ovine disease scabby mouth crossed the Red Sea today and were healed as powerful winds parted the waters, enabling the sheep to reach the other side. A column of fire on the port shore prevented Egyptian health inspectors and a busload of tourists from Yokohama, Japan from getting too close to the sheep. When interviewed the column of fire denied that he was a manifestation of the Lord, identifying himself as Marvin Kittlesmann, a pyrotechnics expert from Massapequa, New York. He said that he had been hired to stand and burn at the shore while the sheep went by. “I don’t like it much, cause them sheep stink like nobody’s business,” Mr. Kittlesmann said during a recent interview. “But there’s not much to do, otherwise. Ever since the power rock bands stopped touring there hasn’t been much work for columns of flame like me, and I needed the money. The bank was about to repossess my car.”

All of the sheep are reported to have crossed safely and are now wandering around the wilderness of Sinai looking for Mel Gibson to lead them back to God’s country: New South Wales.

HALLE BERRY SEPARATES FROM HUSBAND: Maybe it's just me, but when the most beautiful woman in the world says she loves you, then cheating on her is not only a sign that you're a jerk, but that you are mentally ill as well.