Monday, September 29, 2003
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
The discovery of the male insect-eating mammal known as an almiqui (pronounced ahl-mee-KEE) raises hopes "that it will not wind up in the catalog of the irretrievable animals disappearing from the face of the Earth," Prensa Latina said in reporting the discovery.
Prensa Latina also reports that a species of carnivore thought to have gone extinct in 1989 still exists in eastern Cuba. The species, fidelicus tyrannicus communistum, has been located in the area around Havana. The carnivore is best known for its spectacular dominance displays. During these displays the dominant male kills other members of the species, usually in large numbers and for no real reason. The species can be identified by its long plume, which resembles a human male’s beard. [not terribly subtle today, are we?]
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Monday, September 15, 2003
Friday, September 12, 2003
Greenpeace and the Sierra Club immediately blamed the underwater city on the United States and the Bush Administration, claiming that the administration’s refusal to ratify the Kyoto Accords were directly responsible for the city’s current overly humid conditions. When a reporter for the National Review pointed out that the city’s perpetual dampness predated the existence of the United States, the Greenpeace spokesman demanded to know who let the reporter into the press briefing and then denounced the reporter’s question as the worst kind of timeism and that the government could not escape its responsibility for this ecological disaster by conjuring up lame excuses. A spokesman for the Sierra Club said that he could not be reached. When it was pointed out that he had, in fact, been reached, the spokesman claimed to be Curly Howard from the Three Stooges and began to dance the funky chicken before taking out a slingshot and shooting several reporters with heated Kennedy half dollars. When police finally shot him down after a five-hour standoff, the spokesman claimed he was only stimulating the economy and demanded that he be mulched after he died.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
In the aftermath of the attacks on the United States, this quote comes to mind...
"War is upon us, none can deny it. It is not the choice of the Government of the United States, but of a faction; the Government was forced to accept the issue, or to submit to a degradation fatal and disgraceful to all the inhabitants. In accepting war, it should be 'pure and simple' as applied to belligerents. I would keep it so, till all traces of the war are effaced; til those who appealed to it are sick and tired of it, and come to the emblem of our nation, and sue for peace. I would not coax them, or even meet them half-way, but make them so sick of war that generations would pass away before they would again appeal to it."
William T. Sherman, letter to General H.W. Halleck, September 17, 1863, in William Tecumseh Sherman, Memoirs of William T. Sherman, p.364
I found this while looking for Civil War information; it seems to me that Uncle Billy had the right idea. When fanatical nutjobs of any religious/social/political ilk realize that the price of harming Americans is their complete extermination, and that we will hunt them down anywhere in the world in order to destroy them, then we and the rest of the world will have little to fear from terrorism. As for the regimes that use these fanatical dupes as their catspaws, the example of Afghanistan and Panama should be held up and used as an example of what happens to states that cross us. The Saddam Husseins and Robert Mugabes of this world are not legitimate rulers; they are thugs whose power literally flows from the barrel of a gun. Our diplomats should quietly remind them that we have the biggest guns in town, and that on occasion we will topple some of the more egregious members of the thugocracy. These guys are big believers in job security, especially their own; letting them know that we can pink slip them whenever we want to will keep them quiet.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Monday, September 08, 2003
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
In what may be a related development here in the United States, thousands of American journalists’ noses have been removed from the buttocks of Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean and were last seen filling out voter registration forms in Barstow, California. There has been no word yet if the noses are taking up residence in that state or are simply running for governor. A spokesman for the noses said that most of the noses were out of joint and were hoping to get a hold of some of that new strain of Maui Wowie real soon.
UPDATE: After several rounds of intense negotiation with their former owners, representatives for the journalists and their noses announced today that the noses will return to work at the end of the week. It is not known as yet what concessions were made by both sides, but it is believed that the journalists have agreed to not write any further stories about Gov. Howard Dean simply because it's summer and they have nothing else to write about. It is also rumored that the journalists made significant concessions to their noses in matters of benefits, especially dental and vacation benefits. The full package will be released to the public next week so the noses' rank and file can vote on the particulars.
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Sept. 2, 2003 — British astronomers monitoring near-Earth objects said Tuesday there was a slim chance that a newly-discovered asteroid could hit Earth in March 2014.
The large rock — known as 2003 QQ47 — has a mass of around 2.6 billion tons, and is around two-thirds of a mile wide.
The possible collision on March 21, 2014, has been classified as "an event meriting careful monitoring" on the Torino scale, which rates the chances of newly discovered asteroids and comets hitting the Earth.
On impact it would be travelling at 75,000 miles per hour.
But astronomers say the probability of such a collision was just one in 909,000, and while they could make an educated guess as to the day of impact, they could not reckon exactly where it would be.
The Internal Revenue Service wishes to remind bettors that monies earned from gambling are considered taxable income. Members of pools wagering on the asteroid’s time, speed, and place of impact must keep receipts of all bets made and that failure to pay income tax on winnings will be punished with the utmost rigor of the law.