ORDERS, GENTLEMEN, ORDERS: Canadian soldiers stationed in Afghanistan have been forbidden to have sex with local women. In order to facilitate the soldiers’ compliance with this order, all Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan have been issued condoms and told to stay away from the sheep as well. The Canadian Ministry of Defense also announced today that the number of suspected blonde Moldovan swineherds detained by Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan has risen to 348 and that these suspects will be moved to Kabul as soon as there is space for them.