THE NOSES KNOWS: Reuters reports that customs officials in the Netherlands have intercepted several thousand baboon noses at Amsterdam’s Schiphol International Airport. The noses were granted asylum status prior to an actual determination of their immigration status. Several right wing Dutch groups have criticized the current government for allowing primate parts into the country, saying that that the current liberal policy will result in an immigrant population of unemployable primate parts living off the Dutch taxpayer and taking jobs that Dutch primates could do. In response to this allegation, Adrianus Cardinal Simonis, the Archbishop of Utrecht and Primate of the Netherlands, said that he had more than enough work to do as it is and didnt need or want more.

In what may be a related development here in the United States, thousands of American journalists’ noses have been removed from the buttocks of Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean and were last seen filling out voter registration forms in Barstow, California. There has been no word yet if the noses are taking up residence in that state or are simply running for governor. A spokesman for the noses said that most of the noses were out of joint and were hoping to get a hold of some of that new strain of Maui Wowie real soon.


UPDATE: After several rounds of intense negotiation with their former owners, representatives for the journalists and their noses announced today that the noses will return to work at the end of the week. It is not known as yet what concessions were made by both sides, but it is believed that the journalists have agreed to not write any further stories about Gov. Howard Dean simply because it's summer and they have nothing else to write about. It is also rumored that the journalists made significant concessions to their noses in matters of benefits, especially dental and vacation benefits. The full package will be released to the public next week so the noses' rank and file can vote on the particulars.