William Bennett has been appointed head of the newly created Middle East Deaths, Assassinations, and Wars Exchange, or MEDAWEX. The new exchange, headquartered in Las Vegas, will soon open branches in Atlantic City, Monaco, and every Indian reservation in the United States. The Federal government created the exchange in order to help it better predict events in the Middle East and to better regulate the market in, among other financial instruments, suicide bombing bonds, long-term settlement mortgages, and derivatives of the AK-47.

In a related story, a group of Palestinians in Detroit have petitioned the Federal government for recognition as a Native American tribe. “We have been thrown off our land too,” said one man who refused to give his name. There has been speculation that the request was made so Palestinians could open casinos in Detroit. A previous attempt to gain recognition as American Indians was denied by the Federal courts, who ruled that at best Palestinians could gain recognition as middle aged white men waiting in the parking lot at Wal Mart for their wives to finish shopping so they can go home and watch American Idol. Various local Palestinian groups denounced that ruling as an attempt by the government to deny Palestinians their rights to be Native Americans. There is no word yet if the Palestinians will again seek redress in the courts.