NEWS FROM BIRDLAND NEW YORK – The Associated Press reports that “trained hawks ...[and yes, I am Dowdifying the hell out of this quote] in a midtown park have been grounded because one of the birds mistook a Chihuahua as its lunch.” The park involved is Bryant Park, just behind the main branch of the New York Public Library; apparently the hawks mistook the Chihuahua for Mr. Thomas L. Grogan of Jamaica Estates, Queens, who has had the library’s copy of Erich Segal’s Love Story out for the past 27 years. The hawks are part of an experimental program sponsored by the New York Public Library and the Brooklyn Public Library designed to intimidate patrons into returning their overdue library books.

IN A SOMEWHAT RELATED STORY, 135 men wearing toupees were attacked by a rampaging flash mob of mongooses today on North Michigan Avenue in Chicago. All of the men were apparently on their way to drown themselves in Lake Michigan when the attacks occurred. The maniacal mob of mangy mongooses mangled maliciously all of the mutant mops, except for five merkins arrested and deported to China by the Immigration & Naturalization Service. (No, you dont want to know why merkins were involved in this sordid tale or how they came to be here. Trust us on this one.) Several mongooses, and why are they called mongooses and not mongeese is a mystery to me, have been arrested and charged with rioting, public mischief, grand larceny, and being mongooses in a public place. Authorities are still trying to find an explanation for the attacks.