The Passing Parade: Cheap Shots from a Drive By Mind

"...difficile est saturam non scribere. Nam quis iniquae tam patiens urbis, tam ferreus, ut teneat se..." "...it is hard not to write Satire. For who is so tolerant of the unjust City, so steeled, that he can restrain himself... Juvenal, The Satires (1.30-32) akakyakakyevich@gmail.com

Saturday, December 09, 2006

EXCITEMENT IN THE NEWS: Well, I am sure you will be happy to know that the excitement is all over now and that peace and tranquility reign once again here in our happy little burg. For a while there we were all wondering what was going to happen next, which is an unusual state of affairs here, where we like one day to be pretty much the same as the day that came before it, but all is well now and all is as it was. At the last meeting of the city council the manager of the local Dunkin Donuts, franchise read a letter from the company’s corporate headquarters officially apologizing for having caused the problem in the first place and detailing the steps, the corporation had in mind to keep the problem from ever recurring. The manager apologized personally to the city council, the chief of police, the president of the local Rotary Club, and just about everyone else he could think of, in what will go down in municipal history as one of the greatest displays of whining, cringing self-abasement ever witnessed by man, beast, or IRS agent, for whom such spectacles are more or less commonplace. The manager did, however, point out that his store had never run out of doughnuts before and consequently he could not know that the local gendarmerie would react in so untoward a manner at the prospect of having no doughnuts to consume with their morning coffee.

For their part, the police, through a spokeswoman who got her job in the police department’s press office because she is qualified for the job and not because she is the chief of police’s niece, apologized to the citizens of our happy little burg for the officers’ involved totally unprofessional behavior and promised that the department would carry out a thorough investigation of the matter and an equally thorough review of the department’s firearms policy. In response to a question from the local daily paper, the department spokeswoman agreed that five officers firing 439 rounds in a crowded grocery store just because Mrs. Edna Spiegelmann of 197-b North Hickory Street would not hand over the last box of a dozen cinnamon doughnuts in the store did seem a bit excessive at first glance, but the spokeswoman was sure that there might be some mitigating circumstances involved and the department would look into these circumstances as part of its investigation, just as soon as it figured how five officers could shoot off enough ammunition to fight a small sized battle and still only hit the walls, the ceiling, seven guavas, a five pound leg of lamb, a box of Captain Crunch cereal, and a bag of unsalted cashews.

In a not undissimilar factoid, we here at The Passing Parade note with no small amount of trepidation Neil Kramer’s willful denial of the law of gravity. It goes almost without saying that such laws are on the books in order to keep people from harming themselves and others, and that Neil’s obstreperous defiance of the law of gravity, no doubt undertaken for the cheap thrill of it all or to impress the always lovely Sophia, sets a bad example for the younger generation, who will see this sort of thing as a validation of their own defiance of gravity and other natural laws. It is bad enough that the skies over our country’s largest cities are unsafe due to the large numbers of adolescents playing chicken with jetliners; having an adult, who ought to have the sense to know better, doing the same thing and making a public spectacle of his foolishness is simply insupportable from any moral or airline safety point of view. Clearly, the police must step in and put a stop to this behavior before someone gets hurt permanently.
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