SWEDISH DEFENSE NEWS: The Ministry of Defense announced today that as a cost cutting measure the Swedish armed forces will only defend Sweden from 9—5, Monday through Friday. The Burns Security Corporation will defend Sweden nightly and on weekends. Two guards have already been hired to defend Sweden and they will assume their duties in Stockholm when their uniforms come back from the cleaners.

Sweden’s enemies reacted swiftly to the news. Finland announced that they will begin an invasion of Sweden as soon as the August holidays are over, and Estonia, a close Finnish ally but one who finnished out of the money this season at Saratoga, said today that they will support the Finnish invasion by sending large numbers of troops across the Baltic Sea just as soon as they find the spark plugs for the Estonian Navy’s engine.