Let me be brutally honest here: I hate getting up in the morning. Getting up in the morning is a royal pain in the gluteus maximus, which, if I haven’t told you already, and if I haven’t then I don’t know how I missed you, is something I can live without these days, given that I have pulled all sorts of muscles in my gluteus maximus and in my thighs and I would just as soon do without any more pain in that portion of my body if I can avoid it. So the psychic crunch of getting myself out the door and on my way to the egregious mold pit wherein I labor for my daily bread is already bad enough without having a slowpoke, or worse, a gaggle of slowpokes—slowpokes never seem to travel alone; there’s always two or more of them on the highway at the same time—trying to figure out just how late for work they can make me be while raising my blood pressure to dangerously high levels. Apparently, there is a door prize for whoever can combine maximum lateness with my turning purple with rage. I don’t know what the prize might be, but if it’s a good one, I might try to win myself, unless I can’t enter the contest for legal reasons; that’s always a possibility, you know.
Today’s winner, the blue Ford Taurus lady, slowed to fifteen miles an hour as she passed the old high school and continued to do fifteen miles an hour until she was well past the end of the school zone. The more alert among you, and you know who you are, have no doubt noticed the adjective in front of the words high school. That word is old, the use of said word implying that somewhere in our happy little burg there is a new high school where tomorrow’s future leaders of this our Great Republic can take drugs and engage in gratuitous sex and violence while marinating in the usual bath of meaningless political correctness that passes for American education in our times.
Let me remove any doubt: there is, in fact, a new high school here in our happy little burg. This worthy and very expensive institution is located on Grand Street, which is not very grand, to be truthful, but does have a lovely view of the two prisons, one a medium and the other a maximum security prison, which the Vampire State operates here. The prisons are about a half a mile down the road from the new high school, which saves time when it comes to removing the more flagrant malefactors in the high school, as the state can simply ship the horrid little punks from seventh period gym class to the slammer without annoying everyone else in town.
By contrast, the old high school is on Mill Street, which runs right into Main Street, wherein lies my place of employment. Between Mill Street and Grand Street lies most of our happy little burg; the two streets are nowhere near each other, they do not intersect, and the old high school now contains nothing but the Ghost of Adolescent Angst Past and some fairly large roaches, whose civil rights all but the most fanatical Buddhists and Jains agree are moot when they are not actually pointless, so you can run the cockroaches over in any conveyance you choose— all things from Keds to Cadillacs are all perfectly acceptable bug squashers here in our happy little burg. Other than the fact that our local gendarmerie enjoys using that bit of Mill Street in front of the old high school as a speed trap in the wee small hours of the morning—they have to do something to justify all the overtime they get—there is no reason for anyone to be driving fifteen miles an hour on Mill Street. First, it is no longer a real school speed zone because there are no schools in the zone. Second, I do not look like a cop—uniformed police officers, for example, do not have beards, nor will they be screaming obscenities at you for doing the speed limit while trying to consume the morning caffeine, nor will they be turning purple as they scream at you. Third, I do not drive a cop car or any other type of automobile that undercover police officers favor. Fourth, there is no chance of your hitting a student in this vicinity; in fact, you could argue that with the test scores the local student body gets on a regular basis there is no real chance of your hitting a real student over at the new high school either, but I will leave that argument for another time and place. In short, my fair lady in the blue Ford Taurus, MOVE IT! I AM LATE FOR WORK! GET A MOVE ON! GET THE LEAD OUT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY TO WAIT FOR YOU! COME ON, YOU LOUSY……I should probably stop drinking so much caffeine in the morning; it clearly isn’t improving my mood on my way to work. It’s probably bad for my health too; most things are nowadays.