TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP, THE GIRLS ARE MARCHING: While rushing into a Wal-Mart early this morning, a maddened horde of bargain hunting shoppers nearly trampled a Florida woman to death as they swept into the store for the annual Black Friday sales. The victim, a heavy smoker who did not move out of the way quickly enough out of the way of the stampede, will recover from her injuries shortly, according to a spokesman for the local hospital. This is the sort of thing one must expect on Black Friday; after the mass ingestion of carbohydrates on Thanksgiving Day, millions of Americans must go to malls, supermarkets, swap meets, and other hubs of commercial activity today in order to exercise both themselves and the economy, this being good both for their individual health in particular and that of the economy as a whole. Many people have decried the growing trend towards trampling on Black Friday, reminding us all in their jeremiads about the meaning of the day before and how this aggressive attitude is not at all in the spirit of the holiday, but this, I think, is an outworn attitude, much like the demand for some form of religiosity in Christmas, and one completely at odds with the ongoing needs and mores of a modern 21st century commercial society.

In my humble opinion, not enough women are trampled going into Wal-Mart; the management should encourage mass trampling, with door prizes and possibly cash bounties given to the most energetic tramplers. Such trampling will encourage the weak-willed to stay at home and do their shopping online, while the stores cater to those shoppers best adapted to today’s Darwinian economic existence. And trampling could prove a cash bonanza in these recessionary times. What with the widespread popularity of professional wrestling, for instance, it is easy to see the commercial and broadcast possibilities in professional trampling. Reality show producers will jump at the chance to take an in-depth look into the private lives of women tramplers, giving an evermore voyeuristic public a close up look into the lifes and loves of women who will knock you on your fat ass in a heartbeat just to get the last fifty pound box of laundry detergent in the store. The giant megastore chains like Wal-Mart could organize entire leagues of professional trampling teams, with a Super Bowl of trampling held every year. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see that millions of Americans would tune in to see tag team trampling in the aisles of their local supermarket. I know I would, but then again, I am easily entertained.