The Passing Parade: Cheap Shots from a Drive By Mind

"...difficile est saturam non scribere. Nam quis iniquae tam patiens urbis, tam ferreus, ut teneat se..." "...it is hard not to write Satire. For who is so tolerant of the unjust City, so steeled, that he can restrain himself... Juvenal, The Satires (1.30-32) akakyakakyevich@gmail.com

Monday, November 03, 2008

WITH APOLOGIES TO MR. LETTERMAN FOR COPPING HIS FORMAT:

Okay, here are my TOP ten reasons (I have loads of others, but this will do for the time being) for I will not be voting for Barack Obama:

1. I thought Jesus was the Messiah. That’s what the nuns told me, anyway, and I’m not going to argue with a bunch of old ladies who can knock me on my ass without breaking a sweat. The moonbats want to fight the nuns, let them; it’ll only prove to everyone just how loony they really are.

2. I voted for Jimmy Carter in 1976. Doesn’t that count?

3. Senator Obama is Gertrude Stein’s remark about Oakland, California made politically incarnate: no matter from what angle you choose to look at the junior Senator from Illinois and his record, there’s no there there.

4. When times get hard, I cling to my religion and my guns and dislike people who don’t look like me. I know this is so because The One said so. Of course, that I am not particularly religious, which annoys the heck out of my mother, who now thinks that I am basically eight years of parochial school tuition flushed down the toilet, and I don’t own a gun. I don’t even have firecrackers. It’s not that I have anything against guns per se, it’s just that I would prefer not to blow my own foot off, which is the sort of thing that would actually happen to me if I kept a firearm in the house. Machines, as a rule, don’t seem to like me, and so I limit my mechanical purchases to things I know won’t try to nail me to the wall if given half a chance. And I do dislike lots of people who don’t look like me; I don’t need thin people wandering around reminding me that I could stand to lose a few pounds.

5. Senator Obama wants to turn this country into a European social democracy like Belgium or France, countries where, and I hesitate to say this in a forum where there are women and children present, the population is so corrupt and debased in their personal morals that they are known, well-known, in fact, for putting mayonnaise on their French fries. Is this the kind of America you want?

6. Spreading the wealth doesn’t actually mean spreading the wealth to poor people, it means giving the money to the government, which will spend most of the cash on administrative costs and the salaries of civil servants such as myself. It’s still trickle down economics, boys and girls, only with Senator Obama’s method a lot of the trickle will stick to the funnel.

7. I hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but just in case you haven’t noticed, the change The One is promising is the New Deal all over again. You do have to wonder about what constitutes new thinking in the Democratic Party when their best and brightest proudly proclaims that he will be leading the nation back to 1933. Those guys never do tire of running against Herbert Hoover, do they?

8. The media love him. I think this is because most of those guys are like movie critics; they’ve seen so many movies that they know how the movie’s going to end before the opening credits finish rolling. So Obama is something new and different, and they want something new and different now. Of course, six months into his presidency these very same people will be slashing and burning President Obama’s administration with the same relish that they now lavish on President Bush, but they’ll be counting on TVADD (television induced attention deficit disorder) to keep anyone from remembering just how much they shilled for the man in the campaign.

9. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad does not, as far as I know, speak English. Neither does Kim Jong Il or Osama bin Laden. The power of oratory is largely lost on people who have no idea what you’re saying. So they will have to rely on the transcripts of The One’s speeches translated into Farsi, Arabic, and Korean. I might be wrong about this, but I get the impression that a good deal of the audacity of hope is going to get lost in translation. This is not a good thing, I think, if what you’re selling is the sizzle and not the steak. I don’t know what the Farsi/Arabic/Korean equivalent of Where’s the beef is, but I suspect that we’re all going to have four years to find out.

10. The junior Senator has labored in the political vineyards of Cook County for some twenty years now and the US Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois has not seen fit to indict him for anything. Clearly, Senator Obama has not been trying. In addition to this, Senator Obama has never held a political office in Chicago’s municipal government. This, I think, is very telling, as Washington is a place where the Cook County Democratic machine sends people who are too dumb to be on the Chicago City Council. If Mayor Daley doesn’t think The One is bright enough to be an alderman, why should the rest of us elect him president? Inquiring minds want to know.

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1 Comments:

  • At 1:24 PM, Blogger The Gnome said…

    Here are my reasons for voting for Mr Obama, if I was an American citizen and had a vote that I could cast, which I am not and have not. But you could consider using your vote on my behalf and then this would not affect your conscience. "Oh, thats ok because I'm voting on behalf of the Gnome, not myself etc...."

    1. He will close Guantanomo Bay Prison and Torture Camp
    2. He will inspire young people who are so alienated from the running of their country and other countries of the world.
    3. He will introduce policies that will improve the lives of ordinary people even if this means fiddling with money in such a way that it improves the lives of civil servants, particularly librarians, who in turn will improve the lives of others.
    4. He speaks clearly and simply and it is such a rare thing, a politician who is also a fantastic orator
    5. Any political leader that is influenced by the civilised laying on of French Fries with mayonnaise must be a person of taste.

    Now, don't waste that vote !!

    Whoops ! He's already elected.

     

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