The Passing Parade: Cheap Shots from a Drive By Mind

"...difficile est saturam non scribere. Nam quis iniquae tam patiens urbis, tam ferreus, ut teneat se..." "...it is hard not to write Satire. For who is so tolerant of the unjust City, so steeled, that he can restrain himself... Juvenal, The Satires (1.30-32) akakyakakyevich@gmail.com

Saturday, November 20, 2004

A GUIDE FOR THE PERPLEXED: Randy over at Beautiful Horizons, who only keeps me on his blogroll in order to prove he really does know someone who voted for George W. Bush, has posted a letter a perplexed friend sent to President Bush about Holy Scripture. While I do not claim to be as wise as Moses Maimonides, I will try to answer this poor man’s questions. First is the text of the letter he sent Randy; my reply follows.


Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose a constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share your knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual relationships, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is with my neighbors ... They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

1. Your friend is correct: owning Mexican slaves is permissible, whereas having Canadian slaves is not. There is an exception, however; one may own a Canadian slave if the slave hails from Saskatchewan, the reason being that this is a very odd name and therefore people who come from such a place really cannot be taken very seriously. Only God knows why people cannot own Albertans, Quebecois, or other Canadians, but the consensus of opinion amongst biblical scholars suggests that it might have something to do with their loathsome habit of putting mayonnaise on French fries.

2. The fair price for a daughter depends on her age and general health. However, in dealings for any female slave, one should never accept anything less then twelve shekels of almonds or fifty shekels of raisins. The bran flakes are optional.

3. Talk about how the Giants did last week. If she goes ballistic then she is in the period of uncleanness. If she simply ignores you then all is well.

4. Yes. Smite them hip and thew, preferably with a Swiss Army knife. A ginsu knife will do if there is no Swiss army knife immediately available. You must, however, wash the ginsu in beer and baking soda while thinking happy thoughts first, in order to make the ginsu ritually pure. This is the Lord’s barbecue and if He wants steak then He gets steak. As you may not be able to smite all your neighbors, remember to buy a couple of kegs of Budweiser and serve the roast up with a healthy portion of A-1 sauce and maybe some baked potatoes on the side. People tend to stop whining about the smell and the loud music when they're getting a free meal out of you.

5. No, you are not obligated to do this yourself. Call upon your neighbors to help, and if they will not do the Lord’s work, then call the police. Remember to slay your recalcitrant neighbors afterwards and seize their goods and chattels.

6. There are no degrees of abomination. Eating lobster and homosexuality are equally abominable and people who do either deserve whatever the Lord has in store for them. If you wish to avoid this fate then I suggest you buy tuna casserole instead.

7. There is some wiggle room. If your vision is correctable to within 20/40 with glasses then by all means wear your glasses, but do not wear those clip on sunglass things. They are an abomination unto the Lord and you shall be transformed into a pillar of saltines for your effrontery.

8. Ducks and / or geese and/or some other form of migratory webfooted waterbird should peck them to death, preferably whilst they are staked out over a Mounds bar, although a Reese’s peanut butter cup will do in a pinch.

9. Yes, providing the gloves are made of cloth and you do not actually touch the ball with any other part of your body. For all practical purposes, this means you must play quarterback, but that’s what you wanted to do anyway, isn’t it?

10. Yes. The whole town must come for the stoning. That way people can catch up with all the local gossip and the kids will have some good, clean family entertainment for a change instead of all the sex and violence they see on television.

Randy, I hope this clears up the confusion.



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