BIRDWATCHING FOR THE UNITIATED: Birdwatching has become a much more violent sport in recent years, much to the consternation of those of us who remember the gentler days of yesteryear before the sport succumbed to the lure of television and big money. In those days, this grizzled veteran sadly remembers, a birder did not need several pounds of body armor on his chest and legs to observe the feeding habits of the yellow-bellied sapsucker or to arm oneself with a heavy stick in order to watch a Hawaiian fairy tern. Gone are the days, I fear, brought low by the coarsening of our civil culture. But that is another matter.
Our purpose today, however, is not to discuss America’s cultural decline but birdwatching, in particular watching the extraordinary habits of that most elusive of native birds, the North American red-lagged pantaloon. The red-legged pantaloon is, as its name suggests, a member of the loon family of birds and will remain so despite the best efforts of some red-legged pantaloons that they are in the same family as hawks, eagles, and falcons. Social climbing is one of this species’ least attractive traits, along with cracking its knuckles and smoking cheap cigars and dropping the ashes on the carpet. The red-legged pantaloon’s most distinguishing feature is its unfashionably red legs, which the loon will often try to hide by wearing designer jeans. The loon is not always successful in these attempts to hide its legs, which leads to embarrassing incidents and low self-esteem among some of the younger members of the species. The legs vary in hue from season to season, being a soft, almost pinkish color in the winter to a deep brick red in the summer depending on the availability of sunscreen to a bright scarlet when the wife comes in and catches the male with a younger female.
The North American red-legged pantaloon is small as birds go and it will go almost anywhere provided that someone else pays the fare. The species has been known to migrate south for the winter if it can go first class; however, if the food remains plentiful and the relatives reasonably accommodating it will spend the winter in the north enjoying such winter sports as skiing, skating, and square dancing, but not necessarily in that order.
The astute birdwatcher will always take careful note of a bird’s plumage and nowhere is it more careful to take note than in dealing with the North American red-legged pantaloon. The plumage of the male is particularly spectacular, consisting of a heavy black comb on its head, a black and white ruffled chest, the red legs for which the species is named, and dark blue wings. The female, by contrast, is somewhat plain in appearance, though this may change every one to three weeks due to its constant shopping excursions to the mall. Birders will note these excursions are usually done in large female groups without the male being present, a fact that has been documented by such eminent ornithological authorities as John James Audubon, Robert Stroud, and Dr. Heinrich Von Vogelwelt. It was Dr. Von Vogelwelt who first scientifically explained the male’s absence in his definitive study entitled On Birding (Hamburg: Weisskopf Verlag, 1954). Dr. Von Vogelwelt found that the male found its mate’s excursions irritating in the extreme, especially when he would rather be home watching football.
In order to catch sight of this most rare and elusive bird in its natural habitat the modern birdwatcher must equip him or herself with the most modern surveillance technology available since this very subtle bird is very hard to find in the wild and can only be spotted through a combination of cunning, diligence, hard work, and fifty dollar per photograph, sixty-five for twenty seconds of film or video exposure; rates are higher during the mating season and just before spring break.
The first thing a modern birdwatcher must get is a good stout pair of birdwatching shoes. In the good old days any old pair of boots might have sufficed but today’s birdwatchers must move forward with the times. Today’s modern bird-boot (that’s what we pros call it amongst ourselves—it’s sort of an inside joke, I guess) has two air pumps on either side of the boot, a marshmallow sole that the kiddies can cook up if they’re really hungry, and small pockets to store rolls of film, shotgun shells (not that you would actually use a shotgun to hunt the North American red-legged pantaloon. The red-legged pantaloon is, as a species, heavily protected by the United States government due to its testimony against certain very powerful organized crime figures in New York during the 1980’s.), cookies, ice cream cones, tea bags, bottles of dishwashing liquid, and the complete works of Charles Dickens. Some of these features may seem superfluous to the untrained eye, but each one has been approved by a blue ribbon panel of experts selected by the National Birdwatching Association to enhance the pleasure of your birdwatching experience. I have been assured that the ugly rumors flying around about shoe contracts with champion NBA birdwatchers are just that, ugly rumors and nothing more.
To further enhance the birdwatching experience today’s birdwatcher must have a good pair of binoculars and a good camera in order to catch those memories on the wing, so to speak. I apologize for that but we must all be permitted to have our little jokes now and then. It makes the day go by quicker, as we all know. I heard a great one last year at the National Birdwatcher’s Association annual conference in Las Vegas. It seems there were these two strippers and they met up with a priest, a minister, and a rabbi….
Well (sorry), be that as it may (I apologize), let us move on to the social habits (blush) of the North American red-legged pantaloon. The North American red-legged pantaloon is an extremely sociable bird and gathers together in groups called cities. Why cities was chosen as the collective noun for pantaloons is still something of a mystery and one that causes much debate and good natured controversy among birdwatchers. On occasion the debate gets out of hand, but only in a friendly way, as it did this past year at our Western bird watchers conference in Butte, Montana, but it was all in good fun and we are all happy that Reverend Smathers will be out of the hospital soon. But still, red-legged pantaloons gather in cities in the same way as geese gather in flocks, larks gather in exaltations, and crows gather in murders, although pantaloons have managed in recent years to avoid the horrific violence that has plagued the crow community in recent years.
There are few sights in nature as awe-inspiring as a city of North American red-legged pantaloons, especially during the courting and mating seasons. The male pantaloon begins his courtship by building his nest. The nest is usually made of small sticks and stones, and is held together by mud and a twenty-year mortgage from the local savings and loan company. Unindustrious males usually rent a place by the beach for the season. Such places generally cost small fortunes to rent and it is not surprising to see three or four males sharing a nest in order to split the rent. Having secured a place to bring a mate the male of the species will then proceed to find a mate, a task much easier said then done.
The male pantaloon begins his search for a mate with an instinctive cleaning ritual. The male will shower and shave and preen in front of a mirror before leaving the nest, sucking in his gut and then releasing it when the effort becomes too much to bear. Such displays are usually followed by quickly forgotten resolutions to get to the gym more often and to lay off the pepperoni and sausage pizzas. Once the cleaning ritual is completed, the male then goes out to actively search for a mate.
During the mating season, male red-legged pantaloons travel together in groups called fraternities. A fraternity will typically consist of a few senior males and then a group of younger subordinate males organized in a rigid pecking order by age; the youngest males usually serve as the butt of jokes as their attempts to find a mate are invariably crude and are hampered by their still living with their parents.
In the early evening the fraternities organize themselves into long lines called bars and wait for the females to pass by. Female pantaloons travel in pairs during the mating season, although at times groups as large as five or six females have been noted. The female pair typically consists of a young pullet that has never been in this place before and an older, more experienced hen that has seen it all before and is frankly not impressed with this year’s pickings. The females pass in front of the bars of males in a long circular procession called a parade. At the end of the bar, where the youngest males tend to congregate because they are too young to drink in most states, the females will circle back to the beginning of the bar communicating amongst themselves about the relatives strengths and weaknesses of the current crop of males. Scientists have noted a good deal of excitement on these returns, especially among the young females over the flashiest, best-looking males, and there is too often a willingness to mate on that basis alone. The older females, however, quickly put a stop to that. Although it is not an entirely foolproof system; accidents have happened here as they do everywhere else; the older females will as a rule turn the young ones from a flashy male towards a stable male with a good job and solid financial prospects. This ensures that the genetic base of the species remains stable and that the older females get first crack at the flashy males, who for some reason unknown to science seem to winter in France or Italy and tend to be named Rocco.
The courtship ritual takes the form of a series of gifts by which the male attempts to lead the female back to his nest. The first of these gifts is invariably something shiny, such as a bit of tinfoil or the wrapper off a piece of chewing gum, although the female will usually prefer something from Tiffany’s. The male locates such a gift and deposits it in front of the female, who will usually refuse to acknowledge the gift at all. This will cause the male intense anxiety and he will generally follow us the first gift with several others like nuts, berries, worms, real estate, or a report from a credit rating bureau declaring him financially solvent. Once convinced of a male’s genetic superiority and good finances the female will allow the male to groom her and to bring her to new feeding grounds, where the male will attempt to impress the female the female by tipping the waiter forty percent and by ordering the wine with the remnants of his high school French.
Having gotten the female to this stage the male will invariably boast of his good luck to other males in his fraternity. If the female hears of this, it will cause a rejection of the male when the two meet again. The male will generally attempt to explain his behavior in what more than one observer has described as an orgy of self-humiliation, wheedling, and generalized sniveling. This period does not show the male pantaloon to best advantage and even other males seem to regard this behavior as somewhat degrading. The sense of degradation notwithstanding, all males seeking mates go through this phase. If the female is not assuaged by this display of self-abnegation, the courtship ends and the male begins searching for a new female. If the female finds the display acceptable the pair go through a reconciliation ritual which involves a good deal of nonsexual physical conduct, tears, and communicating in what sound like the chirping of pantaloon chicks. Other members of the species regard this “baby talk” as both annoying and humorous.
The pair is regarded as having permanently bonded when the female moves into the male’s nest, an arrangement accepted as legitimate by most members of the species, although the female’s father will usually refer to is as “shacking up.” Comments about the purchase of dairy products and the availability of dairy cattle at bargain prices are generally made at this time, an attitude the elder male will hang on to until the birth of the first hatchling. This event is celebrated with pats on the back and the ritual smoking of bad cigars and a longing for the good old days when it was still possible to get a good Cuban cigar. After this point, the conversation tends to get maudlin. This is particularly true in those older males that nest in the eastern United States. This behavior generally manifests itself in teary discussions of the good old days and the incomparable virtues of the Brooklyn Dodgers.
In any case, I hope that this encourages those of you who wish to take up bird watching and given useful information to those of you who already follow the hobby. It is a great hobby, filled with great American virtues and is, I believe, one of the truly great ways of inculcating those virtues in the young. To my certain knowledge no young person who has taken up bird watching as a hobby has ever become a clear and present danger to the national security of the United States, gotten mixed up in drugs, illicit sex, weird music, the advertising business, or become a Democrat. Given these facts I feel confident in recommending bird watching to every patriotic American boy and girl, man and woman. Those persons who do not take up bird watching after reaching this point will have their names and addresses forwarded to the F. B. I. for further investigation. Remember, you have been warned.
Our purpose today, however, is not to discuss America’s cultural decline but birdwatching, in particular watching the extraordinary habits of that most elusive of native birds, the North American red-lagged pantaloon. The red-legged pantaloon is, as its name suggests, a member of the loon family of birds and will remain so despite the best efforts of some red-legged pantaloons that they are in the same family as hawks, eagles, and falcons. Social climbing is one of this species’ least attractive traits, along with cracking its knuckles and smoking cheap cigars and dropping the ashes on the carpet. The red-legged pantaloon’s most distinguishing feature is its unfashionably red legs, which the loon will often try to hide by wearing designer jeans. The loon is not always successful in these attempts to hide its legs, which leads to embarrassing incidents and low self-esteem among some of the younger members of the species. The legs vary in hue from season to season, being a soft, almost pinkish color in the winter to a deep brick red in the summer depending on the availability of sunscreen to a bright scarlet when the wife comes in and catches the male with a younger female.
The North American red-legged pantaloon is small as birds go and it will go almost anywhere provided that someone else pays the fare. The species has been known to migrate south for the winter if it can go first class; however, if the food remains plentiful and the relatives reasonably accommodating it will spend the winter in the north enjoying such winter sports as skiing, skating, and square dancing, but not necessarily in that order.
The astute birdwatcher will always take careful note of a bird’s plumage and nowhere is it more careful to take note than in dealing with the North American red-legged pantaloon. The plumage of the male is particularly spectacular, consisting of a heavy black comb on its head, a black and white ruffled chest, the red legs for which the species is named, and dark blue wings. The female, by contrast, is somewhat plain in appearance, though this may change every one to three weeks due to its constant shopping excursions to the mall. Birders will note these excursions are usually done in large female groups without the male being present, a fact that has been documented by such eminent ornithological authorities as John James Audubon, Robert Stroud, and Dr. Heinrich Von Vogelwelt. It was Dr. Von Vogelwelt who first scientifically explained the male’s absence in his definitive study entitled On Birding (Hamburg: Weisskopf Verlag, 1954). Dr. Von Vogelwelt found that the male found its mate’s excursions irritating in the extreme, especially when he would rather be home watching football.
In order to catch sight of this most rare and elusive bird in its natural habitat the modern birdwatcher must equip him or herself with the most modern surveillance technology available since this very subtle bird is very hard to find in the wild and can only be spotted through a combination of cunning, diligence, hard work, and fifty dollar per photograph, sixty-five for twenty seconds of film or video exposure; rates are higher during the mating season and just before spring break.
The first thing a modern birdwatcher must get is a good stout pair of birdwatching shoes. In the good old days any old pair of boots might have sufficed but today’s birdwatchers must move forward with the times. Today’s modern bird-boot (that’s what we pros call it amongst ourselves—it’s sort of an inside joke, I guess) has two air pumps on either side of the boot, a marshmallow sole that the kiddies can cook up if they’re really hungry, and small pockets to store rolls of film, shotgun shells (not that you would actually use a shotgun to hunt the North American red-legged pantaloon. The red-legged pantaloon is, as a species, heavily protected by the United States government due to its testimony against certain very powerful organized crime figures in New York during the 1980’s.), cookies, ice cream cones, tea bags, bottles of dishwashing liquid, and the complete works of Charles Dickens. Some of these features may seem superfluous to the untrained eye, but each one has been approved by a blue ribbon panel of experts selected by the National Birdwatching Association to enhance the pleasure of your birdwatching experience. I have been assured that the ugly rumors flying around about shoe contracts with champion NBA birdwatchers are just that, ugly rumors and nothing more.
To further enhance the birdwatching experience today’s birdwatcher must have a good pair of binoculars and a good camera in order to catch those memories on the wing, so to speak. I apologize for that but we must all be permitted to have our little jokes now and then. It makes the day go by quicker, as we all know. I heard a great one last year at the National Birdwatcher’s Association annual conference in Las Vegas. It seems there were these two strippers and they met up with a priest, a minister, and a rabbi….
Well (sorry), be that as it may (I apologize), let us move on to the social habits (blush) of the North American red-legged pantaloon. The North American red-legged pantaloon is an extremely sociable bird and gathers together in groups called cities. Why cities was chosen as the collective noun for pantaloons is still something of a mystery and one that causes much debate and good natured controversy among birdwatchers. On occasion the debate gets out of hand, but only in a friendly way, as it did this past year at our Western bird watchers conference in Butte, Montana, but it was all in good fun and we are all happy that Reverend Smathers will be out of the hospital soon. But still, red-legged pantaloons gather in cities in the same way as geese gather in flocks, larks gather in exaltations, and crows gather in murders, although pantaloons have managed in recent years to avoid the horrific violence that has plagued the crow community in recent years.
There are few sights in nature as awe-inspiring as a city of North American red-legged pantaloons, especially during the courting and mating seasons. The male pantaloon begins his courtship by building his nest. The nest is usually made of small sticks and stones, and is held together by mud and a twenty-year mortgage from the local savings and loan company. Unindustrious males usually rent a place by the beach for the season. Such places generally cost small fortunes to rent and it is not surprising to see three or four males sharing a nest in order to split the rent. Having secured a place to bring a mate the male of the species will then proceed to find a mate, a task much easier said then done.
The male pantaloon begins his search for a mate with an instinctive cleaning ritual. The male will shower and shave and preen in front of a mirror before leaving the nest, sucking in his gut and then releasing it when the effort becomes too much to bear. Such displays are usually followed by quickly forgotten resolutions to get to the gym more often and to lay off the pepperoni and sausage pizzas. Once the cleaning ritual is completed, the male then goes out to actively search for a mate.
During the mating season, male red-legged pantaloons travel together in groups called fraternities. A fraternity will typically consist of a few senior males and then a group of younger subordinate males organized in a rigid pecking order by age; the youngest males usually serve as the butt of jokes as their attempts to find a mate are invariably crude and are hampered by their still living with their parents.
In the early evening the fraternities organize themselves into long lines called bars and wait for the females to pass by. Female pantaloons travel in pairs during the mating season, although at times groups as large as five or six females have been noted. The female pair typically consists of a young pullet that has never been in this place before and an older, more experienced hen that has seen it all before and is frankly not impressed with this year’s pickings. The females pass in front of the bars of males in a long circular procession called a parade. At the end of the bar, where the youngest males tend to congregate because they are too young to drink in most states, the females will circle back to the beginning of the bar communicating amongst themselves about the relatives strengths and weaknesses of the current crop of males. Scientists have noted a good deal of excitement on these returns, especially among the young females over the flashiest, best-looking males, and there is too often a willingness to mate on that basis alone. The older females, however, quickly put a stop to that. Although it is not an entirely foolproof system; accidents have happened here as they do everywhere else; the older females will as a rule turn the young ones from a flashy male towards a stable male with a good job and solid financial prospects. This ensures that the genetic base of the species remains stable and that the older females get first crack at the flashy males, who for some reason unknown to science seem to winter in France or Italy and tend to be named Rocco.
The courtship ritual takes the form of a series of gifts by which the male attempts to lead the female back to his nest. The first of these gifts is invariably something shiny, such as a bit of tinfoil or the wrapper off a piece of chewing gum, although the female will usually prefer something from Tiffany’s. The male locates such a gift and deposits it in front of the female, who will usually refuse to acknowledge the gift at all. This will cause the male intense anxiety and he will generally follow us the first gift with several others like nuts, berries, worms, real estate, or a report from a credit rating bureau declaring him financially solvent. Once convinced of a male’s genetic superiority and good finances the female will allow the male to groom her and to bring her to new feeding grounds, where the male will attempt to impress the female the female by tipping the waiter forty percent and by ordering the wine with the remnants of his high school French.
Having gotten the female to this stage the male will invariably boast of his good luck to other males in his fraternity. If the female hears of this, it will cause a rejection of the male when the two meet again. The male will generally attempt to explain his behavior in what more than one observer has described as an orgy of self-humiliation, wheedling, and generalized sniveling. This period does not show the male pantaloon to best advantage and even other males seem to regard this behavior as somewhat degrading. The sense of degradation notwithstanding, all males seeking mates go through this phase. If the female is not assuaged by this display of self-abnegation, the courtship ends and the male begins searching for a new female. If the female finds the display acceptable the pair go through a reconciliation ritual which involves a good deal of nonsexual physical conduct, tears, and communicating in what sound like the chirping of pantaloon chicks. Other members of the species regard this “baby talk” as both annoying and humorous.
The pair is regarded as having permanently bonded when the female moves into the male’s nest, an arrangement accepted as legitimate by most members of the species, although the female’s father will usually refer to is as “shacking up.” Comments about the purchase of dairy products and the availability of dairy cattle at bargain prices are generally made at this time, an attitude the elder male will hang on to until the birth of the first hatchling. This event is celebrated with pats on the back and the ritual smoking of bad cigars and a longing for the good old days when it was still possible to get a good Cuban cigar. After this point, the conversation tends to get maudlin. This is particularly true in those older males that nest in the eastern United States. This behavior generally manifests itself in teary discussions of the good old days and the incomparable virtues of the Brooklyn Dodgers.
In any case, I hope that this encourages those of you who wish to take up bird watching and given useful information to those of you who already follow the hobby. It is a great hobby, filled with great American virtues and is, I believe, one of the truly great ways of inculcating those virtues in the young. To my certain knowledge no young person who has taken up bird watching as a hobby has ever become a clear and present danger to the national security of the United States, gotten mixed up in drugs, illicit sex, weird music, the advertising business, or become a Democrat. Given these facts I feel confident in recommending bird watching to every patriotic American boy and girl, man and woman. Those persons who do not take up bird watching after reaching this point will have their names and addresses forwarded to the F. B. I. for further investigation. Remember, you have been warned.
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