END OF THE PLANET BLUES:
If what I hear is true, and I see no reason to doubt it, the International Astronomical Union, an AFL-CIO affiliated group currently under investigation by the FBI and the Department of Labor for having ties with known organized crime figures in Illinois and Ohio, has declared that, due to the power of their collective superior intellects and despite the many attempts by the Disney Corporation to influence their decision, Pluto will no longer be the ninth planet of the solar system. Henceforth Pluto, long the most mysterious and elusive of the planets, will be a member of some new astronomical category called dwarf planets. If this is so, then does everyone who got this answer wrong on pop quizzes in science class in the fifth grade get extra credit for getting the right answer in the first place, despite what their snotty science teacher said, and why, just to satisfy my curiosity, are these planets called dwarf planets? Wouldn’t vertically challenged planets or planets of minimal stature be more in keeping with the inclusive tenor of our politically correct times? And should these very same mobbed up astronomical pundits decide that Saturn should belong to some other arbitrary category than that of planet and great visual effect, how will this change effect the resale value of Saturns here on Earth, since it’s clear that people bought this automobile on the strength of its planetary name? I do not wish to sound like a naysayer here, but there is a strong possibility that General Motors is on the hook for false advertising, at the very least.