Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Thursday, June 24, 2004
How to achieve this? There are a few simple ways to increase golf’s interest factor. Australian saltwater crocodiles in the water obstacles are a good way to begin. Those things are huge and watching Vijay Singh running like hell to avoid getting eaten would certainly spark my interest in the game. One possible disadvantage, though: it would encourage Steve Irwin to take up golf. However, if you like Steve Irwin then the crocs are an advantage, and golf on Animal Planet could introduce the game to a whole new group of possible enthusiasts. If crocodiles are not to your liking, then golf courses could stock the water obstacles with piranhas. Similarly, mining the sand traps or placing snipers in the trees would provide opportunities for sports bettors that do not exist today and would allow more second rank golfers to get on the leader board than is possible under the current rules. Or one could simply electrify the rough and share the burdens of electrocution equally. In any case, golf's change from a tepid middle class game to a full fledged extreme sport will certainly increase the game's audience and lead to more people taking up golf, which will, in due course, lead directly to an increase in the PGA's revenues.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Monday, June 21, 2004
One wonders where all of this is going to, if it is going anywhere. The lack of civility in modern American barnyards poses a threat to the well being of the Earth, yet no one seems to care one way or the other. It is almost as if the vast majority of people simply do not care to bring up the issue. Sheep may burp and cattle may fart in public and no one is prepared to say that this behavior is unacceptable. There seems to be a general squeamishness when it comes to this question; it appears that most people, cognizant of the role sheep and cattle play in supplying the American dinner table, do not want to mention the problem for fear, in our multicultural times, of privileging one species over another. But clearly even the most ardent supporters of multiculturalism can see for themselves that deliberate rudeness of this sort tears at the civil fabric that holds our society together. What if everyone decided to burp and fart whenever and wherever they took a notion to do so? The idea that the ultimate fate of these creatures excuses their disgusting behavior is codswallop squared to the nth degree. One may similarly argue that human beings have the right to vomit in the street or to pop old ladies’ kneecaps off with a crowbar or call romaine lettuce spinach and sell it to unsuspecting passersby in the street, and that such behavior is acceptable because someday we will all have to go to the dentist.
Scientific research is a wonderful thing, but in this case science is not needed. What is needed is a return to the traditional values of the American barnyard, although whether that is possible in these days of five hundred channels and instant gratification remains to be seen. The corrupting influence of modern popular culture, in all probability, makes the traditional values seem corny and old-fashioned to the young, who will do anything to make sure they are not seen as being totally out of it. Perhaps it is possible to appeal to their sense of environmentalism, but even that seems an iffy proposition these days. It seems to me that we have arrived at a terrible state of affairs when we can no longer call upon the idealism of youth and must instead use the devices and potions provided by science to have sheep and cattle do what their parents and grandparents did without thinking about it.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Monday, June 14, 2004
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Monday, June 07, 2004
Saturday, June 05, 2004
“…all day long I’d biddy biddy bom
if I were a wealthy man…”
This leads inevitably to the question of just what is a biddy biddy bom and why is the practice limited exclusively to the wealthy? While an examination of Marx’s Das Kapital does not deal specifically with questions of biddy biddy bom, it is clear from the context Tevye provides that to biddy biddy bom properly one must control a significant portion of a society’s means of economic production, something very clearly beyond Tevye and his overworked herd of cows and goats, which he will be compelled to get rid of due to unfair competition from modern American dairies operated by gigantic multinational agribusinesses. It is clear, therefore, that to biddy biddy bom is part and parcel of the capitalist ruling class’s system of proletarian control. It is also clear that the practice itself is kept largely hidden from the workers, or at the very least kept prohibitively expensive so that the workers cannot engage in the practice, in much the same way that the poor cannot maintain stables of polo ponies, although several new polo teams are starting in some poorer sections of New York City, where, I am reliably informed, there are rats the size of ponies.
One must also wonder how this practice goes unseen in our current celebrity worshipping culture. To my knowledge no pictures of Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, or Donald Trump engaging in biddy biddy bom exist, although each of these men must have done so at one point or another, and the gratuitous firing of several contestants on The Apprentice leads one to suspect that these people were caught trying the biddy biddy bom, leading to their immediate termination by The Donald.
The working class’s inability to biddy biddy bom is today a grave threat to American democracy, a threat that will lead inevitably to a great wave of social protest from one end of this room to the other. For if the poor cannot biddy biddy bom, if their opportunity to do so is limited by the selfish greed of the plutocrats, then American society as a whole will be the worse off, and I will have nothing to complain about. In a side note, the Bidi Bidi Bom Bom sung about by the late Tejano singer, Selena, is not related to the subject of this essay; the words mean something very different in Spanish.