The Passing Parade: Cheap Shots from a Drive By Mind

"...difficile est saturam non scribere. Nam quis iniquae tam patiens urbis, tam ferreus, ut teneat se..." " is hard not to write Satire. For who is so tolerant of the unjust City, so steeled, that he can restrain himself... Juvenal, The Satires (1.30-32)

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

DA DA DA DUM DUM: That my Aunt May loathes her son in law is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a deep dark family secret. She makes no attempt to hide her intense disregard for him and never has; if you look at my cousin’s wedding pictures you can see my aunt making a distinctly unfriendly gesture towards her new son in law, viz. the finger, just as he and my cousin are cutting the wedding cake. Subsequent photos show my uncle trying to keep my aunt away from the cake knife. As we are not Japanese, seppuku, in all likelihood, was not her objective, especially since those same photos show the groom cowering in fear behind the best man. The best man, a computer salesman from Springfield, Illinois, the Land of Lincoln, as the travel brochures like to say, looks like he is not at all certain what is going on here, but he clearly does not want to be in this situation.

In any case, the aforementioned behavior on the part of my aunt indicates to me a deeply held hostility towards her son in law that no amount of passing time can assuage. I bring this up because they, they being the uncle, aunt, and male cousin, but not my cousin Ellen or her husband, all came up to my house not too long ago for a family get together. The talk turned to work, or rather, it started as a discussion of how everyone was doing at work that my aunt transformed into a tirade about her son in law and work and how he doesn’t do any around his house and why can't the great hulking brute hang on to a job, although to be fair, the man is on some kind of disability, something that cuts no ice with the aunt at all.

At the height of the tirade, my aunt wished aloud that my brother Patrick had married my cousin Ellen. The conversation stopped immediately as we all tried to grasp the full implications of that statement. It didn’t really compute for any of us, especially for my brother, who told me later that he’d had a sudden vision of my uncle leading Ellen down the aisle to the tune of Dueling Banjoes. I had to admit I was thinking more or less the same thing. The conversation broke down in a mass shuddering and a collective "Ewwww!"

[The story you have just read is true. The names were changed to protect the innocent, in this case, me. I do not feel the need to get my ass kicked by my Aunt May, who is more than willing to kick anyone’s ass if she is sufficiently provoked.]


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